A Light in the Attic

The Waiting Game

2006-06-01T08:09:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I last blogged a couple of weeks ago about going for my boss' job. And I know that I told all of you I would blog with an update, but really, this is all I have.... I actually had my interview a week ago Monday... have I heard anything? No. Not a thing. The post for the job has been taken down, but I have heard nothing either way, which leads me to believe that I will find out who has gotten the position along with everyone else in their "congratulations email". (So help me if I am asked to train said position-filler on any tasks).

Anyways, that's my brief update of I know nothing. So until I hear something, I am thinking about my other options. Thanks for reading.

Random as all hell

2006-05-20T23:04:00.000-07:00

Read! For the love of Jenny:)

Updating... more than just the blog

2006-05-14T19:55:00.000-07:00

Okay folks, before all of your jaws drop, let it be said that I've been busy and neglecting my blog to the point of social blog services calling to make sure the attention I give this little baby improves... however, I cannot promise consistency. Actually, I take that back-- I have been consistent... consistently lazy in my blog upkeep. Here's the thing really, and I tried taking some of my friend Sam's advice, because I was feeling like I had just laid all of my pms out there in my last blog entry, and that was not how I wanted to continue blogging... so I thought turning my back on this thing until I had no readers left would be the answer. Either that, or this will just stun the hell out of any of you who remain, eh?

Anyways, so the big reason I decided to come back tonight was not to vent my post-college sadness, but to embrace the fork in the road I have been waiting for (or at least to share the news with you). If you recall a few months ago, I blogged about waiting for the opportunity to arise for me to possibly move up in my company. Wait no more. The opportunity just announced itself real and open for applicants this past Thursday. And lucky for me I found out and made my move that day before the day shift left, because I was taking Friday off for Frema and Luke's wedding, and would have died to wait all the way until tomorrow to express my interest. So in addition to updating my blog, I also need to update my resume tonight.

I'm excited and scared at the same time. If I got the job, it would be a great step up in my career, and praise the Lord, in my pay check as well. I am trying to psych myself up for the interview(s), but not forgetting the flip-side that this job may not turn out to be mine. I am absolutely trying to remind myself of that reality, which leaves me with what to do next since there wouldn't be much point in rolling over and dying (also known as, sitting in my same night crew position for all time if there's no chance for promotion).

I'm not trying to beat myself down, but I also don't want to be so high up that if it doesn't happen, I have to come crashing down from the loss with no idea what to do next. I feel confident that I've done all I could have in the year I've been with this company to make myself worthy of promotion, and I absolutely feel like I am trainable and qualified to do a good job, and I know that I have my boss' backing, but that will remain to be seen in the weeks to come with interviewing and competition and such. Either way, I know no matter what happens, I still have a year of good experience. But there you have it, my blog-worthy news. Onto the resume!

Jenabeeb said... WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GO???

2006-04-30T21:40:00.000-07:00

I was debating on giving an intro, but it seems as if it would just be a complete waste of time- given the abrupt and obvious question posed in the title of this entry... so that's intro enough- onto where the hell I went. Get ready for rambling, because here it comes...

If you recall a while back, I blogged about picking up Saturdays to help with my financial situation post college.... and yes, while it is making "life" possible, it is also the biggest factor in keeping me from my life. I realized a couple of things this past weekend (I was invited to go out in celebration of the last of my college friends turning 21)-- 1) I can't swing going out at 10pm like I used to. I had even forgotten the fact that I once enjoyed this lifestyle until my sister reminded me of how insane she used to think I was doing the same exact thing. I work now... and after my 53rd hour of work this week, I knew that the possibility of a fun-filled all-nighter out with the girls would just not be possible. 2) I can't get enough sleep due to this fact. I am free from work for what feels like all of 12 hours, and I spend 9 of that catching up on sleep. Joy. The crazy thing is, as much as I want to do things out of work, by the time I actually am out of work, I have no desire to do anything... not even blogging.

There's just not really much I can do about my situation right now. I have to work this much to stay floating. My boss is due to leave for grad school in August, so it's only a few more months until I find out where that will take me, if anywhere. I have a to-do list a mile long, and it will stay a mile long until I can find some energy in my life to tackle it. A big thing that I'm struggling with right now is the fact that I feel like, alot of the time, I'm just trying to survive my life, when the whole point is to live it. I have a mental list of all kinds of things I'd love to do and none of them are really possible right now. I'm feeling a little powerless in this fight.

I'm trying to be patient and hopeful that things will get better in the near future, but trying to balance umteen battles, it's easy to feel discouraged. I'm saying nothing new really, just reiterating the fact that this is damn hard, and isn't really letting up even a year later.

Oh and look! Complete with a key to my hypothetical shackles! Give it here bitches!!! So yea, Jenny, that's where the hell I went. See you all in another week...

Tagged by a Fool

2006-04-19T21:33:00.000-07:00

So here it is. My triumphant return to blogging (again). I have been tagged by my crazy sister for the purpose of posting a meme and I've heard that it's bad manners to keep your tagger waiting. Wait no more-- here are six weird things about me (I'll have you know that I shook my head in agreement with 4 of my sister's 6, so this took some digging):

I am very specific about my shirt collars. I am a big fan of the T-Shirt, but I have to have collars that hug my neck a little bit. I hate collars that swoop really wide, or even worse, those that are in between, so you feel like you've stretched a good collar out (and in that case, I would rather re-wash the shirt to make it fresh than to squirm through the day). I like the slight swoop necks for work because they're dressier, but you will rarely find me in one of these outside of that... although with the triumphant reappearance of collar bones, I enjoy these a little bit more than I used to).
In college, I was known for brushing my teeth umteen times a day-- before class, before and after dinner, after napping.... my friends would say obsessively. Call me crazy, but I just thought I was practicing good dental hygiene. Okay, I will admit that I carried a mouth guard in my coat pocket. But honestly, tell me I had no underlying factor for concern... Also, I never look like this when I brush my teeth unless I get spittle in my eye...
Confession: I find pineapple threatening. There, I said it.
While working full time at stupid Menards (before college, insert annoying ass banjo), I made up a game to play at my register to pass the time/ entertain myself. Like a game of war, and depending on the change I gave the customer, either I was the winner, or they were. Don't judge.
When I'm in the car, I try to remember not to put my tongue in between my teeth out of fear that we might be rear ended or something, causing me to bite my tongue off. We're rather attached.
And last but not least, I believe that everything has it's place... and that place is with me. This is one of those quirks that will keep me up at night and give me an uneasy feeling if I know that I've left things somewhere else. Every night when I go up to bed, I know without a doubt that I will need my purse and jacket for work, but every night I haul them upstairs, and every afternoon when I get ready for work, I haul them back down. If I know I've left my shoes in another room, I will sooner get up out of bed to get them, rather than rest assured that I will in fact see them again.... I have no idea where this complex comes from, being that I've been very grounded all of my life and never moved around... I really have no idea. But this concludes six weird things about me. Just six. And I would tag people, if my sister and I didn't know all of the same people:)

One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Nest

2006-04-10T21:53:00.000-07:00

If the title itself does not give this one away, perhaps you're a reader of my sister's blog? Yes, that's right. I was mowed down by the nasty bug we all hope to miss every year... and while I had plenty of time to blog last week since I was home sick (Thrusday, Friday, and Saturday, and Sunday)-- let's just say the opportunity never really presented itself.

"I'm sorry I gave you the flu Little Bunny... well, a little sorry."

The only good thing about having the flu (at this particular time) is that I happened to be simultaneously on a diet. If any of you recall, I began this diet with the first of the year, and was trying and failing and trying some more, until I was finally so frustrated (after two and a half months) with my mere seven lb loss, that I caved and jumped on the weight watchers band wagon. This was about a month ago. To date (my 7lbs included) I've lost twenty-one pounds.

There are things about losing weight that I had forgotten since the last time I made this my mission. Tricks of the "fat- girl" trade, if you will... for instance, anyone who has struggled with their weight knows the joy of being able to take their pants off without unbuttoning them. I have no idea... but ask any woman who has been on a diet of length and she'll tell you (or she might deny it, but still know exactly what I'm talking about).

Also, the joy of food in portion control/ the value of a point... just the other day, I discovered a brand of pudding worth one point per cup. I was enjoying this treat at my parent's kitchen table when my sister was discussing what to order on our pizza... "Sant, is cheese okay with you?-- Low, am I not the one licking my pudding cup clean?" My sister proceeds to order.

What??

Okay, yes, that might be pushing it a little bit (dieters? maybe not?), but still, the one thing I can say without a doubt in all of this, is that now is the time. Well, not now now... this now is time for bed... and tomorrow is time for more dieting. But in the mean time, I wish all of you dieters good luck with your scales!

The Dramatic Conclusion

2006-04-04T22:53:00.000-07:00

Okay, over the weekend I posted about an incedent that had me hella nervous for this coming week of work. I meant to post the end result last night, but hi, remember me? The blog-less wonder... be excited that I made it back this soon. Hopefully by this point you're all familiar with the story I am referring to, because here's what happened.

Well, I went to my boss right when she got there yesterday, before she even opened her email, so I told her about everything, and she didn't really say anything, so I was like, ok... Things seemed normal all afternoon, and THEN we sat down to dinner...

Boss: "So WHAT exactly happened on Saturday?"
Enter story.
Boss: "Ha, I think it's cute that you ratted yourself out."
Me: "What the hell?"
Boss:"What did you think I was gonna do-- FIRE you??"
Me: "Abuhh?? No(?) I just didn't want you to hear about it from our big boss and then have to come to me like 'Do you have something you want to share?"
Boss: "Why? Did you sit and think about it all weekend or something?"
Me: "Yea(?)"
Boss: "You know you're never gonna live this one down, haha!"

Needless to say, my loaned-out mind had me thinking worst case scenario... WHEW! Did I mention that I have a kick ass boss?

The Disappearing Act

2006-04-01T20:43:00.000-08:00

Ever wish you could crawl into a dark hole rather than face even what you are trying to rationalize as "slap on the wrist" consequences? I worked today, and screwed up on a minor discliplinary end. Well, not just me. Three of us. Talking while working, apparently not a good idea. Problem is, I was in charge because my boss knows the glory of a Saturday at home. And we made up three of the four people in our office today. The fourth person happened to be my boss' boss' boss. A+. So on dreaded Monday, I have to bring it to my boss, because without a doubt, it will be brought weather I tell her or not... so better from me, right? I invision myself crying, because I'm ridiculous like that, but I probably should before it comes back to bite me in the ass ... right?

Call it a complex, but I don't like giving people reasons to be disappointed in me. Especially those who employ me and have the power to someday promote me. Now that I'm talking about it, how many of you have I failed recently? Nevermind... Hey, this whole crawling into a hole thing sounds like it would be alot of fun, but there's not really a prayer in the world for that because even at 24, I am tied down. Tied-uh-the-hell-down. It occurs to me, that we were not meant for crap like this. Other people have the right idea about life. If I knew then what I know now... let's just say I'm at about a 65/35 ratio of satisfaction with that mess at this particular moment.

I am totally a creature of habit, my weekly repetition is painful with all seven days being almost completely identical to the seven before. But every now and then, I would love to mix it up-- and here is a random list of things I would do if I was magically free from all adult obligations:

I'd start with calling off work for an undisclosed amount of time
Take a Spring road trip in my brand new car to who the hell cares!
Tour for the summer with one of my favorite bands
Live in a down-town hotel for up to a month
See minimally three broadway shows
Go on a cruise!
Visit each state and major landmarks
Have a beach side picnic on one of those checkered blankets
Italy:)
Go to an Ellen taping
Brookfield Zoo
Sit behind home plate at a baseball game
Spend a week at a summer cottage
Stay in the pent house of our new years' Ocean View hotel
Test out water beds by diving onto them
Be pulled down main street while riding a John Deere Tractor (on a cart), complete with a pilot's hat, goggles, and scarf
Get park hopper passes and spend a few days in all of the Disney theme parks
Sleep

Okay, so that was my list, and now that the Spring ahead time change is upon us, I am now officially out of one more weekend hour. Sad. But thanks for reading:) I should add one more thing to my list of things I would do...

Blog more than once a week!

Much Ado About Nothing

2006-03-26T19:31:00.000-08:00

I'm in a funk. Amazingly enough, I was able to sign into my blog today... and I'm in the mood to talk about nothing. And this isn't really the fun kind of nothing that other people are talking about or that I would normally welcome-- it's transitional nothingness. It's one of the most frustrating places I seem to keep finding myself. It's like trying to accept the fact that Linda from Sesame Street is not actually deaf. I hate transition!

I really try to make the best of where I am almost a year out of college, if nothing else, to be accepting that things will take time to get better, and being grateful things are as good as they are. But sometimes, patience is a virtue I do not posess, and there are just days when things are rough. It could be Sping fever. It could be PMS. Or it could even be the age of 25 creeping up on me... making me realize that 30 is a mere split second away.... and I still live at home. That's not to insult anyone over thirty, I'm just making a point for where my life actually is in comparison to what a person thinks they should have by the time they reach that milestone age... and I realize that I just finished college a year ago, but that doesn't change how old I am.

I really am happy with some of the progress I'm making-- I'm spending "alot" of time working on myself and trying to become more of what I want to be, and more importantly, less of what I don't want to be. But in between working 6 days a week and spending weekends in Bufu, Egypt, I have come to realize that I have met no one new since college. Not even necessarily meaning a relationship (dating is an issue for a-whole-nother day, folks), I just mean at all.

I feel like my college friends are all locked up still in college, and I spend 50+ hours a week with people from work-- so even while I like them, the thought doesn't really enter my mind for us all to hang out together on our off time. I really have no sort of social life unless it involves a rare weekend visit to said college friends, or... no, there's no or. That's really the only time I get out....

Now are you beginning to see why I'm feeling a little trapped between a rock and a hard place? I want to have friends outside of college. In fact, I very much need that at this point. Maybe the aforementioned funk would not see it so fit to come around as often if I had people to converse with and get the hell out of the house with, eh?

My main problem is that I don't know how to fix this issue, or minimally, to start to make it better. And I have a guess at suggestions to come, but for an introvert, just randomly going out alone and talking to strangers is about as scary and painful as a trip to the dentist. Funk me... now what? (rhetorical).

Son of a Bitching Blogger

2006-03-23T20:43:00.000-08:00

Quick update... Blogger is Satan. I've been trying to log in since my last entry (which was a fluke that I was even able to sign in that night... did I mention I had to rewrite the last half of THAT entry because blogger wasn't in the mood to save/ publish what I wrote??!) All week I have been trying to log in and na-thing. It's been two weeks of this... I wish Blogger would get its sh*t together already!.... And as long as I'm wasting a perfectly good chance to blog about real things just to slam Blogger for having a buggy site, I might as well go all out, eh?

The BLOG is back!

2006-03-17T20:51:00.000-08:00

Sooooo, my blog. It's been interesting. I was getting really annoyed because I had all of these things to blog about this week (FINALLY!!) but had no time to write about them... I finally got a little chunk of time that I thought, surely, I could devote to updating since it had been over a week since my last entry, right?

WRONG. My blog has been acting up the past couple of days, (in case you haven't noticed). I was so sad this morning when I even tried republishing all of my entries and still I was denied admission, like the homeless at a country club. So today was a day of mourning my poor little blog that I have become attached to. But lo and behold, I tried loading it tonight for a last confirmation that the thoughts I had shared over the last two months were gone-- and somehow, a surprise to save my sanity-- here it is:)

So.... since my blog is back from the dead, so to speak, I have decided that instead of sharing a specific subject on my mind, I will tell a story from my childhood. Let me take you back...

Ok, this picture on the right is not of me. Close, but not me (reminding me strangely, of Stephanie Tanner, but in her pre-meth days...)--random. Just realize I am taking you back to first grade. School began at 8 am. Being that we lived three blocks from school, and since my family is genetically predisposed to being late for everything, my older and in-charge sister liked to leave early enough for us to get to school so she could stand in her fourth grade line and socialize- naturally. So my sister, our younger brother, and I left through our alley gate, running a little late that morning. It was a cold day too, and in our rush to get to school, I forgot my mittens, so I thought it would be a good idea to pull my arms out of my sleeves and into my purple coat instead.

Ten seconds out of our alley-- the three of us are running to school in our God-awful Catholic school uniforms, my saddle shoes notoriously untied, my sister frantically trying to get us to school on time-- yah! siblings, yah!

Twenty seconds out of out alley--my untied shoelaces get tangled underneath my feet and I become airborne with no arms to break my fall! I look like I'm on a slip n' slide going down the rough sidewalk, only rather than squealing with joy, I'm taking the worst face plant any human being should have to. My knees are bleeding, my nose is bleeding like there's no tomorrow, my chin all the way down to my neck is scraped, and yes, also bleeding (sorry Jenny), my arms are still trapped inside my coat, and you would think that this would be plenty for a six-year-old to deal with while sobbing hysterically, but then there was my loving and compassionate sister who made me continue walking to school so that she would not be late rather than taking me back home!!

We arrived at school where grades Pre-K thru 5 were lined up waiting for their teachers to come and retrieve them. My sister joined her class and I was on display for all to be horrified by, while still spewing blood from everywhere-- luckily the third grade teacher was on her way to pick up her class and was able to wisk me away to the nurse's office instead of leaving me in my crying puddle of "what the hell do I do now?" My sister ended up getting her social time, but I ended up getting picked up by mother and the rest of the day off.

And so that's my story. My sister is much nicer to me now than she was at the age of nine:)

What I forgot....

2006-03-11T20:35:00.000-08:00

So it seems that in my mission as of late to advance in the work force and survive my college loans, I have forgotten a little bit of why I went to college in the first place. In all honesty, I really shouldn't say "the first place," because it was not the obvious career boost most people intend to find that prompted my attendance... even though I entered school knowing what I wanted to do, I initially went because I thought it was the thing to do. In fact, for most of the time I was in college, I was actually in "graduation denial". Some people can't wait to get out-- I was not one of them. Ready I was, having outgrown my beautiful little campus of a thousand students, but oh, in many ways, ready I was not. The reason I am referring to, I would call "the twentieth place". The other nineteen are non-specific things that I learned along the way, without knowing they were everything I needed. Point at hand- I went to college and graduated with a degree in Studio Art and now I need to get back to making things happen. I was on track a few months ago, sending in three of my drawings to be copyrighted, but the next step for getting into illustrating is supposed to be to get post cards made of my work to send to publishing companies. Have I done this yet? No. I've researched the printing process minimally over the last couple of months, but I've made no concrete decisions as to where or when this will be done, setting myself back as I tend to do. I don't know if success scares me, or if I doubt my own ability to rise to the occassion. No idea. I can think about things hypothetically, but when it comes to the push, lots of times I pull back and go into a hundred reasons why whatever is just not for me. (Any pyschology folks want to take a stab at that circus of thoughts?) I actually stepped away from drawing for a while during the end of my sophomore/ beginning of my junior year to explore other career options, and by my senior when I found myself back with it, I was nothing but happy, like having found myself again. And for me, my work is very personal. It's giving a little piece of myself, and I don't know why, besides the luxury of time, that is, why I'm away from it again. My goal was/ is to have my post cards ready to go by May, when I will be out of school a year. So maybe this rambling blog is just a reality check for myself to get things moving again. And I know I'm just pushing things off because of stupid fear, but I know, I know, I know I need to get back to work. I'm on it.

DRY.SPELL.

2006-03-08T22:32:00.000-08:00

OK, ok ok ok.... I still have not gotten over having nothing to talk about... it's driving me nuts. I started this blog because now being out of school, I realized how good writing was for me. And not only writing, but talking freely, which I've been able to do sporadically at best. I'm desperately wanting something to talk about, but lately, I'm just very blank. I've been watching the calendar days slip by, still waiting for this big epiphany and-- nah-thing. It's not even that I feel without thoughts all the time, I just don't really feel any direction for blogging. Most of the time, my thoughts float toward what I hope for my life, how I'm doing at this point out of school, what makes me sane, what makes me insane, my financial situation... I'm definitely not without thoughts.... I just have nothing to say. Maybe within all of these thoughts, I've sort of realized how much I've grown in my own person since college. I spent the better part of last year scared out of my mind about graduating. I was worried, alot about what life would be like after the fact, because college was just so good for me, that I thought, for sure, nothing could be better and that life will be dull and without it's good times... I'm glad I've been wrong about all that. That's not to say that post college is better, per se, just different, and good in it's own right. I spend alot of my time in my own thoughts, and doing alot of soul searching. I'm way happy that I've been able to distinguish God's presence in my life, because once upon a time, I was lost and without any depth of vision. I was worried about going back to a full time job and being miserable, and have really found that even though I've been struggling a little bit financially, I'm totally blessed with the job I found. I'm really pretty content these days. Of course, there are days like today where I have vicodin- worthy cramps, but most days are by far, better than the day before. Retrospect is a great gift in that way. Looking back on a year ago, I thought life was ending, but now can see that things are very much just beginning, and it gives me hope and excitement about when things will happen, and how my life will unfold. It's very exciting, very open-ended. And I guess, more than having nothing to say, I just didn't know how to say it.

Shaking the Random Tree

2006-03-03T21:03:00.000-08:00

Ok, I have been trying to get back to my blog all this week, but for various reasons I have not been able to post anything new (work/ lack of time, nothing to talk about... and the list goes on). Well, apppppparently, I have a few people who frequent my blog- one in particular who shall remain nameless- (oh who the hell am I kidding? I'll call her "harassing Jenny"- and she is). Anyways, she felt I was not blogging often enough (I felt this too, btw), but she opted to tell me and all of the internet this- so this one's for you, Jen. And if you don't like it, please see the aforementioned reasons why I had not been back earlier, AND you can go put another tea bag in your eye.

It's been a good blogging week for other people: Low, Frema, Youngest of 12, Low, Luke, (yes, I said Low- sounds like How- twice on purpose, she's had a very productive week). I on the other hand, still without anything to really talk about, have decided to talk about whatever happens to be on my mind, following in the successful blog footsteps of those before me. So, here we go, in no particular order:

I am voluntarily working every Saturday now-- Why, you ask?-- because I loathe free time, in fact, I dread Fridays like I do the dentist. NO!! Because I am broke, and frankly, so is my once beautiful car. This is the ONCE. BEAUTIFUL. shot. In any case, I need a new one. So we shall see if my broke broke ass can manage a mini car payment sometime before summer. I know there is the whole sanity trade-off for working 6 days a week, but, I also feel that the trade-off for being able to do something for myself, will also give me some sanity in return.

Was there ever a size ten and a half shoe? I ask you this, as my toes cry to reach the front of my silly size 11's. I thought my sister was crazy when she told me that there is no half size. Say wha? Is this like skipping the 13th floor in buildings? They don't make "Days of the Week Underpants" with the word Sunday because of God, what?? Please! A little compromise, Payless! Tens are too tight and Elevens are treading a thin line between straining to fit and clown shoes... sad. And- btw, my pants are not that bright for work.
I'm tired of Anne Geddes and Celine Dion- that combination in particular. Everyone knows that Anne Geddes is the queen of dressing babies up as flowers and photographing them, and Celine Dion is the greatest singer in the world , but damn! You get those two gozillionaires together, and you have quite the powerhouse of annoying. I'm sorry to all of you die hard Celine fans, if this offends you I will even admit that I went to a Celine Dion concert at the age of 14, but that was before I knew better. Back before Celine was Mother Earth, kissing all babies, most of them quite evidently not her own. Back before French Christmas songs made my ears bleed. Stop the madness, please.
I should probably add a little discrepancy to the above bullet point. I once posted on my sister's blog: hey guess what Low-- I just resigned from my, uh, job, to become a stay at home auntie! My next plan is to start my new identity in Canada while praying in french that my student loan collectors can't find me in Quebec... damn! I just gave myself away-- we can all dream though:)love always,simone dion;) So.. she may not be "the greatest singer" in my eyes, but I don't have any problem cashing in on her French- Canadian Highness' success. That's all I have to say about that.
Sleep. I think it's a great idea, and at this point at night, I should probably hit it- but, I hope you've enjoyed this little taste of randomness. Also, if any of you think there is something wrong with the picture below.... join the club:) Gnt all, and thanks for reading.

Isn't every Tuesday "Fat Tuesday"?

2006-02-28T08:13:00.000-08:00

I say to you, I have been on a "diet" of sorts since the first of the year. I say "of sorts" because I have worked way hard on what I've been eating for the most part-- switching it up to diet foods, low cal, low carb, low fat, low FILL. For the love of God, I have stopped eating meals after I get home from work, and have switched that up to something like a bowl of cereal or a nutrigrain bar. Now, I know if I could afford some sort of gym membership, that would certainly help things along, but as of right now, with only the power of portion control, I have yo-yo'ed week to week, over ten stinkin pounds! This week, I'm with Frema when I say, I am only five pounds down from my original weight on January 1st. The other five were on vacation last week (where I should have been) and now they have returned... dammit. In college, I somehow caught wind of my skinny brother's metabolism, and for a mere moment in time, took off 55lbs. Now up 30lbs of that, I ask, WHERE is that metabolism now?? FORT WAYNE, that's where. I suppose it doesn't help when I fall off the diet wagon for a few minutes-- call it an out of body experience, as I unwrap a Hershey Kiss from the snack cabinet... ok, more like this sometimes, but still I am trying, and failing, and making myself crazy, all to live a better life, to fit better in clothes, and to feel better about myself. I'm staying on the wagon. Happy Fat Tuesday.

I will try to fix you

2006-02-25T21:37:00.000-08:00

I had been dreading this weekend since last Monday knowing that I would spend Saturday morning/ early afternoon at work and then follow it up with a celebration at a local bar for an acquaintant moving to another department within our company. It's not that I don't like to hang out with my co-workers, but the fact is, I was wiped out from the previous weekend and didn't really want to spend my Saturday night drinking away money I didn't have. So as I went through my week, I was trying to think of any way to avoid this event.

Well, lucky for me, my sister called me at work Friday night to ask me if I would like to take a road trip to Kenosha to meet up with her "dear friend Cindy" (as she is lovingly referred to) for a much needed break. WOOHOO! So, I got to skip the smokey, potentially expensive night at the bar to finally meet Cindy Lou and her little girl Riley for a care-free evening out of the house.

We shopped the outlet mall and found steals on baby clothes and cookies- it was just nice to have a night of a different kind of shopping than we're all used to these days. And it was especially nice to spend time away from work with people who are good friends.

I love that they're the kind of friends who take care of each other the way they do. Even as I'm missing my own friends from college, it's comforting to see other people this way. It makes me even more grateful during this whole life transition that there are people to help stabilize and relate to what you're going through.

I'm especially blessed in that I have my sister and our close friendship. Whether she realizes it or not, most of the sanity I have these days is because she's given some platform for normalcy (well, attic space, but a platform of sorts nonetheless).

One of the coolest things I can share about our relationship is when I got one of those survey/ forward type things a while back (that the person fills out about you). The one I got back from my sister had the best answer-- the question was- What is your favorite memory of me?-- and my sister filled in the following: ooh tough one...maybe something like when I had my own room in the attic for three days and you joined me...or when I had my own room in the basement and you joined me....er....uh...when I had my own room at the "new" house and you joined me.....or when I had my own house and you joined me :0)

....In that same survey, she also answered that if I had broccoli stuck in my teeth, she would tell me. Now THAT'S a friend.

Go Boss, Go

2006-02-22T06:37:00.000-08:00

The title of this entry makes it sound like I don't like my boss, but really, I have a great boss. Among other things, we're both around the same age, we're both smart asses, and we're both good at our jobs.... I want her's. She's got 8 more weeks until she graduates with her own bachelors degree- and the entire time I've been employed here I've known that in all liklihood, she will look for a job in her own field and her seat will be left vacant (it's not even that the position would be automatically mine, but it's just something I try to rest some hope in). But all of a sudden, the other night when we were sitting at dinner, she mentioned grad school. I don't know whether it was just talk or if it means anything significant, but it made me realize something....

I initially said that I would stay for one year to get some experience. Then once my boss started talking about graduation and things, it gave me some hope that I might be a decent candidate to take her place. Well, not only a decent candidate, but a desperate one too, and since her graduation would fall within my one year, I didn't think it was any big deal to maybe look forward to.

Over the past few months, without even really realizing it though, I've become very attached to this idea of someday moving up-- and when she talked about grad school, a little flag went up in my head that maybe that possibility is not as close as I would like to think. It's a very sad thing really. I suppose more than anything, I was looking forward to not being so damn broke, as she makes more than double what I make. A whole slew of other thoughts entered my mind with this. Mostly to do with my expensive ass education.

I try not to think about what if as far as the past goes. I can hope for the future, but there's nothing I can do about my past. But in the post grad life, sometimes it's hard not to wonder whether or not college was a good idea for me. Most of the time I want to kick myself for even entertaining the thought, because well, it did in fact happen, and it's not like I'm pulling some fancy moves on God by messing with the plan. Nonetheless, the thought still comes up, and sometimes I have to wonder, am I really better for my education? Of course, I know in many ways, the answer is yes. I would not be who I am without the past four years- for my faith, for my friends, for my own way of thinking about things- I know I am better in those ways. But am I $80,000 better? I have financed an education that my career can barely support (as I am constantly reminded by things going from bad to worse in that area)-- a career that has absolutely nothing to do with my degree. And to be honest, I have doubts that I may ever have a job that has to do with my major. So, more than missing art, in my effort to stay afloat, I guess my biggest worry about where I am is my boss possibly sticking around to attend grad school.

I don't know what to do with myself next. I like my job, and the only thing about it that is hard to handle is the pay. So after my one year is over, everything is up in the air again. So with transition still biting me in the butt-- Am I better for my education? It's sort of like asking what your left arm is worth to you, or asking you to live your life without it. Of course I'm better for it, in every way except the obvious choice to attend college-- my career.

Eat your heart out, Horseface

2006-02-19T20:23:00.000-08:00

I went down to Indy this weekend to visit my friend Marissa in her new apartment. She is the first of my college friends to officially move out of her parents' house and stand on her own two feet, so I was dying to get a taste of that... besides the fact that it was a much needed road trip/ visit/ adventure, as I've recently been bitten by the vacation bug. Anyways, Marissa's boyfriend Eric (also a college friend of mine) came down for the weekend too, so we were off looking to plan activities for three. Of course, being the guest, I got to choose between bowling and ice skating. I had never been ice skating before, so off we went! I was pumped for this experience, having already weighed the pros and cons of it-- I already have health insurance, so at least if I were to fall and break something, I would not have to self treat. There's also the always helpful realization that you will likely never see any of the people there again, should you do something hella embarassing. So we laced up and made our way out to the ice. I should probably mention that this was a first time experience for both me and Eric, so Marissa had her hands full. We nervously got out onto the ice, and found that on this Saturday afternoon, every parent in our state capital decided to take minimally, two of their own children, plus a neighbor's child, and possibly a cousin. Most of these kids were in between the ages of 4 and 12-- all of them having this their first skate with limited parental supervision. Great idea. There were kids barely preschool age zooming sideways across the oncoming skate traffic with a random adult chasing after (sometimes not), usually right in front of one of us. The only thing we could do was throw our arms up like we were on the roller coaster of our lives and pray not to slice some poor toddler with our skate blades. Thankfully, as the two hour skate session wore on, more and more people were giving up the ice frenzy and going home. Children unharmed, avoided a lawsuit, Amen. My life and limbs were still intact. Amazingly enough, I only took one fall, and that was because I was making fun of Marissa. Who knew my first time on ice would be a success? To that I say, eat your heart out, Horseface. No, no-- I won't be quitting my day job (well, night job anyways), but it was an awesome first experience and a great weekend overall.

Rumor has it....

2006-02-16T08:26:00.000-08:00

Well... Yesterday at work I overheard the new lady talking to her team leader (yes, that's what we call them) about vacation time. So it seems, after one year we get a week's vacation. Holy Moses! ONE WEEK'S VACATION! Now, I've worked full time jobs before [I went to college], and I never got vacation time, so a week may not seem like very much to all of you experienced working people, but a week to me- is awesome:) So I'm telling my sister this while I'm folding laundry and she is writing out her grocery list. She asks, "So if you got a week's vacation, what would you do with it?", naturally- I'd go sky divin', Rocky Mountain climbin', I'd go 2.7 seconds on a bull named Fumanchu... oh, sweet vacation... But for now, I'm off to work....

God has a John Deere Mailbox

2006-02-14T21:01:00.000-08:00

Ok, don't ask me why I think this... I'll tell you. Everyday on my way to work, I pass this house on a hill, which is messy and borderline worn down, and there's usually a Bronco parked in the driveway or just behind the house with a ladder and junk all around it, and sometimes a dog chasing a cat through the front yard, and of course, a John Deere mailbox, but it was only half of a mailbox, like somone had run into the thing. Anyways, the first day I actually noticed this house was because this messy car was waiting at the end of the driveway to leave, with junk covering everything, I mean everything--there were even gallons of juice ON THE HOOD of the car. It reminded me of when we were kids and the car would be so packed with groceries it seemed like maybe that would be the only place left to put something-- but this man-- he actually DID!

So naturally, I found this sight very funny, and when I got back to the house I told the story-- about a crazy person trying to drive with limited view (hahahaha) and so on. But for whatever reason that same day I was driving past the house a second time within a short amount of time. And it caught me off guard because there was an older man walking out to his broken mailbox and in the some 10 odd seconds that I was driving past him, he looked right into my car at me- it even seemed so deep of a stare that he looked right into my eyes, and had the biggest, nicest, smile on his face, despite my making fun of him right before. It was very Joan of Arcadia-esque. Like a split second of God staring back at me.

It was just a few seconds, but felt like minutes- and it made alot of sense to me that only God could have a smashed up mailbox and be made fun of for the way he lives and still have enough love to smile at the people who laugh at Him. It was a very meaningful drive, and it is for me every day when I pass that house. And really, who couldn't use more good feelings like that in their lives?

Adventures in Job Hunting

2006-02-12T09:30:00.000-08:00

As I already mentioned, the past nine months have been all about transition and one of the biggest parts came with finding a job. Now, thank God I found an office job in late June, but for the two months following graduation, I was completely losing my mind. I was lucky in that I was getting interviews- a little bit unlucky in the type of job I was interviewing for....

I was just a few weeks out of school when I interviewed for a "manager trainee program." I landed a second interview and thought, YYYYYIIPPEEEE! I got hired on a Thursday and would come in for my first day the following Tuesday. Wonderful.

Day One: Since it was a group of people all hired in at once, we sat sort of classroom style all taking notes and listening to six hours of lecture about the success of the company and how it was going to take some serious determination for us to become good managers.... from what I gethered about my job up until this point, was that we were a company that kept stores like Walmart stocked with perfume.
Hindsight is always a precious gift- unfortunately, as the word indicates, a little too late to save you from slapping yourself in the forehead.

Day Two: The group of us sat again taking notes for a few more hours and then finally there was talk about training. Two trainees were paired up with a trainer who would "take us out into the field and teach us." I say this in quotations, because it became quickly clear to me, that they were literally taking us out into a field to train us. So it turns out, we were not perfume stockers, but door-to-door perfume solicitors!

All of a sudden this new "managerial position" required me to walk store parking lots and approach people who may or may not be interested in what you're saying. By the time I picked my jaw up off the ground, all I wanted to do was run home. In fact, this thought continued to flood my thoughts, while for the next three or four hours, we walked to businesses, and perfect strangers returning to their cars from grocery shopping in the summer heat. Damn!

After holding my head in my hands most of the afternoon, we returned to the office, where all of the groups had gathered to report their success and get "bonuses"-- the other thing they forgot to mention to us at this job, was that we would were being paid in cash daily so we "didn't have to report any earnings on our taxes" Can I get a holy shit, here?!

Yes, this was how I saw spending my time after an expensive-ass education-- committing tax fraud, while soliciting nameless perfume to Walmart shoppers in 90 degree heat. A+. By the end of all of this, I barely cared when I also found out that we just worked 14 hours on commission only... $7.00 of untaxed dollars in my pocket and absolutely jobless again...

In my job searches during the weeks that followed, somehow, the tagline PLASMA DONORS WANTED didn't seem all that bad. It was only a matter of another month though, before I found my current job:)

There must be something in the water...

2006-02-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

It's official, I've been bitten by the blog bug (if you can say that three times fast). Everyone around me has started a blog and they're great to read, so in my post college thinking, it feels like the adult thing to do... kind of like stopping for coffee before I hit the office in the morning-- except for the fact that I neither drink coffee nor work in the AM, but still, there is a certain grown up feeling that replaces the care-free, loan-free days of aol instant messenger in college life.

Having graduated with a bachelors in Studio Art last May, life has been full of transition. Aside from graduation and the obvious "now you can go out and live your dream" baloney that people think is the right thing to say upon your crossing the stage, there is the immediate transition into job hunting-- this is a blog in itself. There's of course a change of living space- no longer the dorm life, but relying once again on family, though you've made minimal visits over the past four years, to lovingly accept you, their prodigal child, back into their home, because the reality is, you're broke, and about to become broke-er.

In my situation though, the transition was made, not into my parents' house (for the most part), but into my sister, brother-in-law and two young nephews' home. This is where the name of my blog comes from, and I thought it was pretty fitting... So now that you have the basics, here's the start of my blog. I'll have to ask the local pros how to link and really make something of this, but for now here it is;)